Becoming a mom changed my life in ways I didn't anticipate
I am navigating life on a rollercoaster of emotions
Growing up as an only child in France, I remember feeling lonely, especially at times when my parents were arguing. I learned how to please others and keep the peace from a very young age.
I left for boarding school at 16, then on to college, and travelled on my own to places like China, Malaysia, and Germany before landing my first job in Northern Ireland. My youth was pretty solitary, I didn’t want to rely on others. I had difficulty trusting people. I learned it was safer to keep everything to myself – I didn’t share much of my life with my parents.
As a teenager, I remember feeling inadequate and misunderstood. I was unable to voice my struggles for fear of hurting someone or looking stupid. This has most definitely followed me into my adult years creating many limiting beliefs and fears that were not mine initially.
In Northern Ireland, I found freedom and independence
I was so proud and excited to have my own money at last. It’s also where I met my husband.
Since then, knowing my purpose in life and finding my own way has become my priority.
I guess I was feeling trapped somehow. I had just found freedom and independence and now I had to commit to someone else. It was really a confusing time for me. Finding myself, finding my way had almost become an obsession at this point. I was scared to not be the person he wanted me to be. I was worried about driving him away.
At work, I had great ambitions. I wanted to climb the ladder, to become someone important with responsibilities and a great salary. But I wasn’t emotionally equipped to deal with the pressure. I had little confidence in myself (goes back to my childhood), and I was taking everything very personally. It created a lot of emotional discomfort, I was stressed to get the results, I was worried about making a mistake, and I was unable to take feedback with an open mind but I was still pushing to get going and ignoring the signs of burnout.
In 2014 I experienced my first burnout: daily cries, panic attacks, loss of purpose and zero confidence in myself
I left my job to take a step back and reflect.
My body was in pain, my skin was damaged. So I turned to alternative medicine to find solutions.
In 2016, I wanted to try again and found a job with more responsibilities. My drive and ambition never died and I was committed to proving myself (and proving to my parents I was capable). I loved it. I was doing great and was recognised for my work. Though I knew I wouldn’t be doing that corporate job forever.
In 2017 I started a year-long diploma in sport and holistic massage, with the intention to open a massage clinic on the side and slowly quit corporate. Then I became pregnant with my first. It was a surprise baby (we had planned to wait another year, get married first, go on a honeymoon, and then have a baby, but life had another plan for us).
We were delighted.
In March 2018, I had my beautiful son, and very quickly wanted to go back to work. I remember distinctly telling myself “I can do it all. Because I chose to be a mom, and many others did it before me. I can do it all: full-time work, my new part-time massage business, and raising my son”, “ I will prove to them once again that I am capable”.
I was determined to do what it takes to make people proud of me. Probably to compensate for a feeling that I missed growing up.
By the time I went back to work in January 2019, all my hard work had been forgotten
I had to start all over again to prove myself. I was the youngest, the only woman on my team, and had the lowest salary. I felt really angry and disadvantaged.
So I challenged myself to work hard and prove to them I could deliver while managing a second life at home and running a part-time massage business on the side.
In late 2019 I reached the point of no return. I was burned out again (surprised? .. not!).
Shortly after I had a miscarriage and I told myself “ENOUGH, STOP! This is not sustainable and not fair for my family” I was so frustrated and angry. At times I was also resentful. I recall vividly being so mad at my 3-month-old son waking me up at night while my husband slept deeply next to me.
I recall the despair of having to do it all (but I kept telling myself “ I asked for it, I am not
allowed to complain or feel bad about it”).
I can still feel the pressure on my chest from the overwhelm, the confusion and the complete lack of clarity of my purpose in life
The first haha moment I can recall is when I totally integrated the fact that I am responsible for myself, and nobody will save me. If I don’t do anything, life will just stay the same; dull and stressful. And this is not how I want to show up to my kid.
This realisation gave me great empowerment and motivation to push through: I don’t have to rely on people to get a great life. And what a relief for someone who grew up without trusting others.
The hardest part though was to accept that I needed help to speed up the process of healing. Without all the help I sought, I wouldn’t be talking to you right now.
Another amazing discovery is that “life is a mirror”.
When I dug deeper and researched into “Why am I so afraid of judgement?” I realised that I was a very judgmental person (and I really didn’t like that side of me).
Since then, I have become so much more open and curious, I feel so much more compassionate and appreciative of the differences than I ever was and this is giving me so much more confidence in myself. I am so much closer now to saying with 100% conviction “I don’t care what they say, I don’t care what they think, I do it anyway” and it feels so good.
TODAY
I feel so much more alive, I’ve accomplished things that I thought I wasn’t built for or incapable of doing (eg. putting up videos of myself on social media, having fun talking to strangers, starting conversations, setting boundaries and saying more often NO than yes … and asking for help).
I have peace of mind. I am excited about what the future holds. I am confident I can weather the unexpected and stresses of life. I am willing and motivated to embark on new adventures.
I am here to help you avoid burnout. I am here to share my experience and the tools I
learned in my years of self-development to equip you with the emotional resilience you need to go through life and make the most of it.
